Welcome to one of the new and exciting features At the Well – Woman to Woman. This is a wonderful opportunity for women to share with one another and seek out encouragement and guidance in specific areas.
Today’s topic is relevant to many families and the question for today is about teenagers. If you have teenagers in your home, you can relate to how these years bring a unique parenting experience filled with joy, testing, and challenges. I have often jokingly said that God must be smiling in amusement when our children turn into teenagers. As we travel down the parenting road, we walk through the newness of babies and the challenges of toddlers, but then things seem to level out with the compliant school age child. It is tempting to feel that things are going great and you have a handle on parenting As you may be patting yourself on the back,the teenage years sneak up on you and this compliant child begins to change and act very differently! All of a sudden all the parenting patterns and guidelines totally change and you begin again with a whole new set of challenges…and joys.
The teenage years are a time of transition from childhood to adulthood. Teens are trying to discover who they are, what their purpose is, and where they fit in. On top of that, they are dealing with raging hormones, changing bodies, and swinging moods. There is a lot going on with them during these years.
Today’s question deals with Independence: “My teenager has hit that stage where he is wanting more and more independence. How strict is too strict? Is there a happy balance?”
Teenagers are not the only ones going through big adjustments. As they grow and desire greater independence, parents may deal with the shift of control. Teens may not want to do everything with the family like they used to, but may begin wanting to do things independently or with their friends. It is a natural reaction to love, shelter, and protect our children, and letting go is not easy. Parents clearly see the dangers out in the world, and it sometimes seems that the teens only have eyes for fun and freedom.
Independence can be one of the greatest struggles on both sides. Teens greatly desire it, parents have a hard time giving it up. This subject can become a huge battlefield if not approached with wisdom, love, and trust.
A formula that we go over – often- at my home is “responsibility = independence“. Their part is to act responsible in their attitudes and actions and follow the directions, and the reward is independence – in small increments at first. Too much independence with no supervision is surely not wise. By introducing independence in small increments - a few hours at a friends house – going to a movie – with guidelines etc., responsibility is earned. Making guidelines clear at the beginning and making sure they are understood is vital. As guidelines are followed, more independence is given, but it must be earned.
Our family is very strict. But there is a danger to automatically saying “NO” to everything. (Which if often the first thought). If the answer is no, working together for another acceptable activity or solution helps keeps the communication door open. Independence is a fierce, driving force in a teenagers life. Many emotions are tied up in their desire for independence.
There are a few non-negotiable topics that should be settled. Where are they going, who are they going with and a set time to be home are basic issues that a parent needs to know. On occasion ,a teenager will balk “You don’t trust me”, or “You treat me like a baby”, etc. Instead of arguing the point, a consistent statement that shows your desire to be a wise parent often deflates the tension. Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements, which automatically raises defenses, works best. “If I let you go —- I would not be a responsible parent.” or “Because I love you and want your best, this activity is not in line with that”. “It is my God given responsibility to look after and care for you”. They may not cheerfully agree, but this puts in their heart a broader view of the situation.
Prayer power is especially needed during the teenage years. By this age, they know right from wrong, and the shift is from a parent looking over their shoulder making sure they do right to them being ruled by their own heart convictions and conscious. They will face temptations, they will be faced with challenging situations where the answer must come from their heart. The fervent, effectual prayers of a mom can make a difference in these situations. The book of Proverbs is filled with creative and biblical ways to pray for all children, especially teens. It is especially powerful praying God’s Word over your teen.
The old saying “this too shall pass” can help this journey through the teenage years. There will be challenging days, they may make poor choices and they may act totally strange! This is all part of the learning process of life. They will not stay teenagers forever and before our eyes will develop into mature adults who are molded in God’s image. May there be “no greater joy, than to see them walk in truth”.
Hear, my son, and receive my
sayings, And the years of your life will be many. I have
taught you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in right
paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered,
And when you run, you will not
stumble. Take firm hold of instruction, do not let go; Keep her,
for she is your life. Proverbs 4:10-14
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Wow! This was just what I needed! My son just turned 13 and we are heading into unchartered waters! I'm printing this out to have on hand!
I really appreciate your perspective and insight here, and I've seen what you are saying play out over and over again in my life. I've been working with teenagers for over 13 years and also have a spiritually adopted teen-age daughter, so I've learned a bit from watching and engaging with teens and parents alike.
Yes, responsibility = (trust) = independence. I also have found that three other components are necessary:
1. Transparency with a filter, meaning don't be afraid to share yourself and experiences while using judgment on how much is too much.
2. Be careful to not crush their spirit. Especially in times of correction, speak the truth in love, seasoned with a few comments that encourage them to see their strengths, abilities, and potential. Grace, mercy, and forgiveness are as powerful as a well-timed rebuke.
3. Understand the need for another Godly woman/man to speak into their lives. A mentor, either from church or even an aunt/uncle or teacher is invaluable, especially when you (the parent) share common standards/beliefs with them. A teen can hear the truth from a non-parent so much more clearer at times! Pray for God to bring such a person into your child's life.
A few thoughts that I hope will add to this already wonderful piece of wisdom!
Thanks for the challenge to pray, too!
What a wonderful starting topic! We have four teenagers, two daughters and two sons. Our oldest daughter will be leaving home for college this fall; our youngest son has just crossed the threshold into the teen years.
What my husband and I struggled with in the beginning was acknowledging that the fierce drive for independence was not a criticism of us or of our family; it is simply the normal, natural direction that teens NEED to go in order to prepare themselves for life as an adult.
We too, are strict. We have always linked responsibility with privledge, and we have been very slow in allowing freedom to "roam", especially for random events outside of school or church activities. (Our children attend Catholic schools.) Along those same lines, we have coached our teens and have assured them that they can use us for an "out" any time they need an excuse to battle peer pressure.
I totally agree with eLisa! Your teens need positive adult influence in their lives besides their parents, and it is so important to let those relationships flourish and to not feel threatened our put out. Your teen still loves you best, but they also need the advice and guidance of Other Mothers, Aunties, Extra Dads, Coaches, and other mentors. As Christian parents, we need to be willing to take on this mentoring roll as well, mothering and fathering every child and teen that comes into our zone of influence.
Joyce, you mentioned how amused God must be watching us as parent our children through the teenage years. Not only God, but also our OWN parents are laughing out loud at our struggles. I can assure you that my Mom and Dad are!
Joyce, well done! Thank you for sharing this. The closest I have to teens are an 11 year old and a nine year old. They are already starting to present some challenges. This has helped ease my mind and given me some wisdom to boot. I really enjoyed the other ladies comments as well.
Stacie
Thank you! I'm a good ways from the teenage years,but I was hoping it would get easier! My Daniel is very head strong and it's really getting the best of us! Your way of handling things sounds really great! I will have to remember the things you have said. Thank you!