Over the years I have had more than one conversation with a frustrated wife who wishes her husband would just take charge and lead the family. I understand all too well the fear and sadness these women feel, but I can see now where much of my own frustrations were either unfounded or my own fault.
Now ladies, I know that’s tough to hear. It’s tough for me to say. But read prayerfully as I list the main issues I see when it comes to wives who long for a husband who leads.
*Believing we can force him to lead – I’m a homeschooler. I go to a lot of homeschooling conferences. At these conferences are tons of speakers who talk about the father leading the family. They sell many products meant to encourage men to a role of leadership.
Guess who buys them? The wives.
We have all the good intentions in the world. We leave that book laying around right where he has easy access to it. We slip the CD in while on that long road trip. We set aside time for our husbands to watch that DVD after he gets home from work. Yet, he never seems to read, listen or watch what we want him too.
*Wishing he was like… – He reads his Bible every day. He reads other books too. He holds a Bible study in his home weekly. He knows the Bible inside and out. He wrote out the family vision statement. He even does a lot of the teaching of the children. He is someone else’s husband.
We don’t necessarily want HIM, we just want our husbands to be LIKE him.
*Not letting him lead – We say it’s because he WON’T lead, but actually, we are pretty sure he CAN’T lead. We know if we left certain things up to him, the whole world would fall apart. In order to spare the world that sort of catastrophe, we step in.
So, what’s the real issue here?
Well, most men who fit into the “He Won’t Lead” category are fairly laid back. They take everything in stride and rarely get flustered (even when you step all over their toes). When you take the reins, they let you. It’s not that they don’t want to lead. They’ve just never been given the chance.
My husband is a very easy-going man. He does not make snap decisions. He’s never done anything impulsive in his life. I mistook his calm, slow pace to be a weakness. I believed men who lead do so with command, one fist raised in the air as they march forward.
I was wrong.
Leadership looks different in every household. Some men do raise a fist and drag the family behind them. Some men lead without saying a word. When my husband doesn’t make a decision on something, I have to realize that IS his decision and not MY cue to take over. I have to let him lead and not force him to that position. I have to accept what I see as bad decisions may really turn out for the good of the family. I have to see my husband’s leadership role as real…no matter how he chooses to fulfill that role.
All too often when he won’t lead it’s because I’m standing in front him. Time to get out of the way.
[...] can also find me over At The Well, writing on a much weightier topic: Why Won’t He Lead? Head over and leave a comment there. I’d love to hear your thoughts and [...]
I have a different take on this in that I believe our husbands DO lead. The Word says that our husbands ARE the head of the home. It doesn’t say they are the head of the home only if they do things in x,y,z way. I feel it is problematic that women (in particular) read all sorts of ‘help’ books and expect their husbands to behave accordingly. Their not doing what we want or how we want doesn’t mean they are not leading. They are just not doing it ‘our’ way. There is a reason we are commanded to submit to our husbands. It is because we want them to submit to us
I have wondered where is the balance in certain situations. Say he doesn’t provide an ounce of spiritual leadership for the family. I’ve been told it’s BAD for the Mom to provide the spiritual training for the kids because it a)causes the kids to view Mom as the spiritual leader and b)causes the Dad to have no reason or care to ever begin to take the spiritual reigns because it’s being taken care of already- even if he never cared to in the first place. So should the Mom provide no spiritual leadership to her children even though they aren’t gonna get it from the Dad? Or should she do devotions with the kids even though it might keep Dad from someday deciding to take the lead on it? Or is there some fine line in between that I haven’t thought of?
I absolutely believe the children should be getting spiritual leadership from both mom AND dad. Dad not doing it DOES NOT exempt mom from doing it.
Ideally, my children should hear the Word from both of us, but if Dad’s not leading the way, mom should still be making a concerted effort to do her part.
To encourage Dad to step up, try starting family devotions at a time when he is there and can participate. Ask for his help. Engage him in the discussions. If he is offended by this, consider doing the devotions when he is not around and then telling him later about what you’ve read. Don’t be in your face, but definitely try to include if at all possible.
Now, I don’t agree with alot of what my Mama says/said now that I’m an adult but when you’re raised a certain way it’s sometimes a little harder than normal to detangle the heart of the matter from the religion or legalism of what has been drilled into you since birth, KWIM? I was raised that there needs to be some sort of daily family time where religious topics are studied or discussed. We didn’t always do this when I was a child because my dad… well long story but Daddy doesn’t love Jesus anymore. But my mom sure went on about how we needed to when we didn’t. My mom never led us in any sort of Bible study or devotions because she felt like it meant she was trying to be the spiritual leader of the home, which would be bad.
He doesn’t currently lead us in any family studies or devotions. Seeing how I was raised, I wonder how to train my children without overstepping my role and without unwittingly taking a place that my husband would fill someday as long as I don’t make myself into a reason or excuse for him not to. He’s a reasonable sort and might think that as long as I’m taking care of it, it’s taken care of. End of story. Where in my heart I would be doing it with the hope that someday he would feel that he needs to instead or also. So in my overthinking nature I’m weighing how I was raised with the need in my home and my family’s personalities, and wondering where to find the right balance.
Now I’m married and my husband is a quiet thoughtful man. He’s not an outspoken sort of family leader. He’s quiet, reliable, and loving, and I’m so blessed to have such a man that can put up with my nervous overthinking nature while God works on me!
I believe if you always encourage and involve him in some way, then you aren’t overstepping your bounds. Check your motives at every turn and love him and honor no matter what.
Nothing wrong with reading a devotional with your children each night… ask hubby’s advice about choosing one he would agree with.. then read. Better for you to read to them, then them not getting it at all. Then some evening, ask if he would like to read it this time.
Great!!!!!! Great job Amy! So to the point and right on.
I recently heard someone say that all it takes to make your husband a leader is to actually get behind him and follow him. I don’t know if that hits you like it hit me, but, duh! It doesn’t matter if it isn’t the way we think it should be done or the direction we think it should go. Our only rightful place is behind him, not in front of him. Whether he is going in the right direction or not is God’s responsibility, not ours.
Imagine if you will, your husband is basically a decent guy, what would happen if you just said, ‘you know what, I am going to follow you, I am so sorry for trying to lead this family, whatever direction you go, I am with you!’ After he picked his jaw up off the floor he might just feel respected and and thought of highly enough to actually rise to his leadership postion. (I cannot promise that, but we need to trust God no matter what!)
I agree with Amy, let’s get out of the way!! And be like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not fear! Then, let’s take our rightful place BEHIND them, no matter what. (unless it is sinful, of course. And BTW, not having family devotions is not necessarily sinful
I didn’t say not having family devotions is sinful. I was in that line using devotions as the representative of overall spiritual guidance and teaching that I asked about in the beginnig of my question. I believe it IS a sin to train up children without any spiritual training.
I just read the comments and if I may, I would like to offer my opinion
Very good points Darya, they do lead, don’t they, the question is will we follow???
Mama Mirage, my take on this is…( because I have heard the same type of teachings and it has caused some, shall we say unrest in our home
it is not ‘leading’ to share the Word of God with your children. We both should, I believe, as parents. I think the Word commands us to teach the Word to them, to remind them of all the things the Lord has done, ect. I don’t think it would be right at all for a mama to sit back and not share the Word with her children just because daddy doesn’t. I don’t think we need to make it some big, ‘we are going to have ‘devotions’ (which isn’t in the bible I don’t think) because {{{someone}}} is supposed and I guess it better be me’
If you homeschool God and His Word should be so much a part of your day that you can’t even tell you are having ‘devotions’ Just because someone said a bazillion times this is how I lead my family in devotions we think it needs to look like that.
Bible study is actually one of our subjects in our home schooling. As well as a seamless part of our day. We pray when something goes missing or someone gets hurt. We praise when we find it
I use the scripture all day long to train and teach my children in the things of life. I am not ‘leading’ them in the sense that I think you are talking about, right?
Below is the favorite home schooling verse. See how it says all day long??!!! See how it is supposed to be in our hearts first??!! It is not just about ‘devotions’, it is all day, all of life kind of thing. It is okay if dad doesn’t ‘do devotions’, though yes it would be great if he did, but let’s just focus on our role of following and living out this scripture below too. Does that make sense?
Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.
Spot on, Michelle on all accounts! (We must have been typing at the exact same time! lol)
Great post! Thanks for the encouragement.
Amy, can I just say ‘I love you’?
You are a dear woman!! Have a blessed day!
Oh, this is something I struggle with for sure! My husband is a Mr. Steady, and he’s one of those who leads by example rather than words. Well, I’m a Chatty Cathy, and love to share and get opinions, engage in friendly debate and discussion, and lay out decisions in black-and-white terms (I think this is why I blog, haha). It’s been a challenge for my head-strong, willful self to step back and realize that he IS leading, I just wasn’t following! Thank you for this timely reminder, Amy!
Stephanie.Nicole, I am cracking up over here! I am married to a Mr. Steady and I would describe myself as you have yourself! Right down to the Chatty Cathy part! LOL
AMEN, SISTER!!!! Love your honesty and insight. My husband leads the same way. It drives me crazy, but ends up being a blessed choice. Thank you for that reminder.
Amy, Awesome wisdom shared today and a reminder I can ALWAYS use! Thank you for your insight and sharing the beautiful Truth!
I have to say, that I, for the longest time was the leader of our home….then I became a Christian and since have been nudged by the Holy Spirit to step out of the way and let my husband lead our family. I struggled with this for the longest time….because my mentality was saying, “He’s never done this before, how is that going to work?”, “When he steps up, then I will step out of the way!” but in reality, God was telling me..”Kerri, step out of the way so your husband can have his rightful place as head of the house”. It wasn’t that he wouldn’t step up as head of the house, it was more like, why should he when I had the place filled already. Now my husband is the head of the house. I just have to remember to follow his decisions, even when it isn’t the way I would have done it that way. A tough job for a strong willed woman.
Great post Amy~
It seems here…when we think of the man leading we seem to be thinking about reading and leading family devotions. Some men have not had example in this area and may need a gentle nudge.
But there are some things ONLY the LORD can do!
There is a fine line between a nudge and looking at what GOD is wanting US WIVES to work on!
But what about other areas of male leadership such as…finances for example.
Do you ladies respect your hubby’s lead when he says “Please don’t spend any money at the Pampered Chef party” or what have you? Do you justify the purchase anyway?
Did you buy the apple peeler slicer anyway because you know it will make the boat load of apples you have coming from a friend quicker to process?
(then to find one at a garage sale the next week for $3.00) You then relise you should have been obedient to you hubbies lead….GOD always provides us with what we need!
Are you a good steward of the money hubby brings home? Respecting his lead/wishes in that area?
There are so many area a man leads….he can do it and does it even if we don’t see it!
Sorry for such a long comment…its a great topic!
Blessings,
Georgiann
You are right there are many ways a man leads. I think that spiritually is the first thing that comes to many minds becuase it would seem to be the thing all else falls after or hinges on.
My husband handles the finances. He makes the money, pays the bills, and does the grocery shopping. When I need something special like clothing for the kids or a new kitchen gadget or appliance he goes with me to buy it or gives me a set amount and that’s all I have and it’s cash so I can’t go over. This was an interesting arrangement we’ve come to since when we first got married we kept getting in trouble because of how bad he was with money. I took over for a while but he could see it was just too much for me to handle the finances and all the shopping while getting used to being a new mom to our first, and dealing with alot of extended family stress, a recent miscarriage, and being pregnant again. I was happy to have him take over at first. I was exhausted. It was interesting for a while. I kept offering to take back over because the bill collectors would be calling all the time and I was living in fear of the next time I’d get the mail or the phone would ring. It was interesting that he refused to let me take back over and while it got worse for a while, it eventually got better! Now he’s really great with money compared to where we started. I was paranoid and felt trapped, stifled, and wished I had some control over some part of the money. It was hard to let go. But now I like our arrangement. As a mom I have lots of things to worry about, and I am thankful that my husband takes care of the money. It’s one less thing I have to worry about. After having so much trouble with accepting it for so long it’s actually freeing and I prefer it this way. It was the middle part while he was learning how to be good with money that I had so much trouble. It was worth the bumpy road here though.
Wow! Great post and great discussion! My husband is definitely the leader of our family, but does not do any devotions with the family. I have often wished he would, but this seems to make him uncomfortable. So, we do Bible during our school days and I take care of that. This post has really helped me let go of that whole He NEEDS to be doing devotions with the family mindset.
Now that doesn’t mean I will stop praying that he will have a heart for Jesus and desire to lead our family more strongly in the ways of the Lord. I will keep doing this, but now I feel free to not “worry” about this issue.
Thanks!
Such wisdom among you ladies!
Amy, WONDERFUL post! It’s hard to take the lead when someone is standing so staunchly in front of you, often yammering about taking the lead.
Even when our husbands do not take the spiritual lead, for one reason or another, it’s good to remember that if God can speak through a donkey (and He did! Remember Balaam?) then He can speak through and work through even an unsaved husband. Teach those kids to follow God! By verbal teaching (when you sit and when you stand and…) and even more importantly, by example.
SUPER post!!
Hi ALL,
What I was saying in my ealier comment…I think a man’s spritual leadership encompasses more than just reading family devotions. Handling the money is still spiritual leadership. All we have comes from GOD. Do we use the resources wisely? Do we take serious our hubbies wishes in this area as the leader of the household?
The money part of the household is very much as spiritual as is so many other things to running the house also spiritual….they are not separate. LIVING out the Christian life involves
so many things.
Being frivulous (ok I can’t spell it) with what GOD has provided is not good.
Blessings,
Georgiann
Funny, but that whole scene you describe with trying to get him to read the stuff you want him to, his refusal is leading.
Simply by not watching reading or changing into the guy you wish he was, he’s demonstrating that you don’t control him, you can’t make him into something he doesn’t want to be, and your efforts are a sign that you don’t trust him.
We usually laugh together at all of the propaganda for teaching father’s to lead their families. It’s specifically designed I expect to make women who don’t know any better discontent with the man God gave them.
Think about it, would you rather have a confident guy who does his own thing without waiting for your approval, or a guy who feels the need to let you know he’s in charge at every moment by controlling everything?
I can tell you from experience, the guy who needs to act like he’s in control is a way worse leader than the guy who knows he is and doesn’t need your approval to go ahead and do what he thinks needs to be done.
Yeah, this is what I was trying to get at, you just wrote it much better!!! The husband IS the leader even when he is doing absolutely nothing. Also, I have to say that I have friends who are so despondent about their husbands and dissatisfied with them after reading these books about ‘how a Godly husband/father should be’. We should spend more time concentrating on the commands that we were given instead of the ones they were
Exactly!
Carrien,
Nicely said!
Well said… even if he makes a bad decision against our advise (I’m not saying be disobedient to God’s Word, but be sure you have the right attitude if you can’t go along with his decision in very rare occasions) we sometimes all have to suffer along with him, but some of the sweetest times in our marriage was when my husband made a financial mistake and we were unable to get any credit for 7 yrs. We did not eat out for a whole year, not even burgers at the Dairy Queen! But he so appreciated me not saying “I told you so” and we both learned a valuable lesson during that time period (20 yrs ago).
Oh, the dreaded “I told you so.” NO ONE likes to hear it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you for saying it directly and with gentleness.
I would like to state that I think you have missed the mark on this one. There is far too much emphasis in the so-called Christian community on a wife’s command to submit to a husband but not nearly enough being said about the fact that men are commanded by God to lead their wives (and families) in a Christ-like way (Eph. 5:25-30 I Peter 3:7). Husbands are to do the following:
Husbands are to love unconditionally (Eph. 5:25a; I Cor. 13:4-7); love sacrificially and use his authority to serve not demand (Eph. 5:25b; John 13:3f); husbands must lead spiritually and with purifying love (Eph. 5:26-27); a husband is to provide for all his wife’s needs not just the ones that are convenient (Eph. 5:28-29); and a husband’s leadership should be gentle (I Peter 3:7).
Virtually no one points this out to men, especially male church leaders but rather, harp on women “submitting” without complaint. It would be helpful to those of struggling with poor leaders (20 years and counting) if you would address BOTH sides rather than just regurgitating the same worn-out cry for women to submit.
Thank you,
Amy Burch
{{{Amy}}}, I hear the pain in your response. I am sorry for that. I am sorry, too if the words spoken here have furthered the pain.
I agree whole-heartedly that men need to hear their part! Whenever I hear of this program or that program to reach the children or the women, I want to scream “it starts with the men!!” Seems like no one is listening sometimes.
All that being said, this is a forum to speak into women’s lives and hearts, not men’s. We should pray diligently that the Lord would raise up Godly men to speak into men’s hearts. It does seem so one-sided, I know, but our calling is to minister to women, not men. I know you know this and are just hurting. Praying for you to cling to Jesus all the more and that He would heal the hurts.
I know this is an old post but I will write to get this out and if someone wants to respond they can. In many of theses posts I read; women just need to learn to submit and follow and that will make thier husbands lead. Sorry but lets be practical here. its not that simple. many women desperatley want their husbands to lead, they are having to do things that they were not made to do and it is wearing on them because thier husbands just wont do it. some things HAVE to be done and if the husband wont, then the wife must. I am not just talking about spiritual leadership, I am talking about everyday life. Example, you notice the car needs an oil change, hubby usually does it himself because he says it is cheaper. So,you gently remind your husband that it is time for an oil change and he says yeah ok, then another month goes by, still no oil change, again gentle reminder, one month later still no oil change. Since I am the one who primarily drives the car with the kids, do I wait for the car to break down just to not step on my husbands turf? or do I take it upon myself to go get an oil change? These are the types of things that can just wear on a woman. We become caught in an rock and a hard place of trying to give our husbands place to lead and at the same time not allowing a catasrophe to come upon us and our children. Another example, In my home I take care of all the bills and financing, because according to hubby; ‘I am just better at doing it’ even though I am a stay at home mom. I have given my husband opportunity to take over the bills but when I do they doen’t get paid. So I notice the electric bill is still laying on the counter 2 weeks past due, not becasue we don’t have the money but because he just forgot. So do I pick it up and pay it or have the electric get turned off with 2 babies in the house? these are the things many women are dealing with. Many mens lack of leadership is due to irresponsibility and immaturity not becasue the women are in the way. A woman was not meant to deal with the frustrations of finances, at least I am not! It wears on me big time. But it HAS to be done. So let us get more practical and get a little deeper. There are issues that go beyond the simple solution of just submit. many women are submitted and deperatley want to be under thier husbands lead, but you cant follow someone who doesn’t move! Women feel a sense of security when they are under thier husbands lead and it is the place many want to be. But unfortunatley thery are left to fend for themselves and thier children and at some point they freak out, and feel very unloved. I read once that if a woman will respect her husband he will love her. Well to me, love is not affection (i used to think it was) love is keeping your duty to your family so that they feel loved and safe. My husband is very affectionate, and TELLS me he loves me all the time but to me they are just words, because his actions do not show me that he loves me. When he sees me freaking out becasue I have too much on my plate and he wont help me, to me, that says, “I really don’t care about you”. So tell me how do you respect that? I can be respectful to him, but that doesn’t mean I respect him. Being fake doesn’t solve anything. I can be obedient to the Lord and behave respectfully to him. But I can’t change the fact that I do not respect him. Thats up to him to become respectable and God to change my heart. So thats my two cents, and if anyone has any suggestions, they are greatly appreciated.
btw, not that we do not strive to obey the word; we absolutley do, but the fact is, when the bible was written men were VERY different than they are today. It seems that chivalry, integrity, masculinity, and authority are a lost art.