Twenty years of marriage and I still feel like a newlywed.
Oh, I don’t mean the mushy-gushy newlywed who’s so in love with her new husband that she doesn’t notice the coldest winter we’ve had in years. I mean the newlywed who’s trying to figure out what could possibly be going on in her husband’s head. The one who’s feeling lost and doesn’t know what to do in this marriage-thing she’s gotten herself into. The one who’s struggling to communicate love to her husband and learning what commitment means.
Twenty years and I’m still scratching my head and feeling out of my league.
Sure, I know my husband far better than I did 20 years ago, and better than even 10 years ago, but sometimes that knowledge just serves to make some things worse. Things like when I fail him.
There are certain things he needs me to do, things that make our home run smoother and things that make his life easier, yet when I put off doing those things, I fail him.
When I leave things for him until the end of my day, I fail him. It also communicates to him that he’s not high on my priority list. I may be thinking that I’m saving the best for last, that once all this other stuff is done and off my plate for the day I’ll be able to concentrate on him and what he needs me to do. But that’s not how it is on the receiving end of it. He ends up feeling like the kids and every other thing are more important to me than he is.
You’d think that after 20 years I’d have this marriage business figured out, but I don’t.
Marriage is an ongoing work in progress. Some people may get it figured out, but I sure haven’t, and I know I’m not alone.
So what are we to do?
- Prioritize the things your husband asks you to do so that he sees and feels that he’s important.
- Look for little things he likes and appreciates and do them without being asked and before he hints.
- Make spending time with him a priority, even if it means learning to fish or golf or scuba dive.
- Evaluate how you’re doing in your marriage on a regular basis and make any needed adjustments—in yourself, not him.
Remember that this is a marriage and not a business partnership, but like business, for it to stand the test of time it takes interest (in him) and investment (in him).
Twenty years have made me a little wiser when it comes to my marriage. Sure, I still fail him and I hate it when I do. It hurts us both. But twenty years have taught me how to handle my failures a little better. And twenty years have taught me how to love my husband better.
Love and commitment are.
Twenty years and I love my husband even more than I did when we said “I do.”
Twenty years and I’ve learned exactly what commitment means—it makes the love that much sweeter and stronger. It makes the love worth fighting for.
Amen a thousand times over! If we can’t POUR, into those we love, then is it…love?? Love is 1 cor 13 it is not a feeling. although we feel it. its not based, on that, or shouldn’t be. Love is God and God is love, and perfect love, well it takes rollin up our sleeves. Its worth it! LOVE…is worth it! blessings thanks for sharing!
Love DOES take a lot of effort, but it is SO worth it! You’re right, Lisa, true love is based on so much more than a feeling.
SOO much truth in this. Thank you for the reminders, my friend.
Love you, JoDear! You teach me so much. SO much!
I just wanted to say thank you for this word of encouragement. As I asked the Lord today to guide me with wisdom in a decision today, I came across your website while speaking with my prayer partner on the phone. She prayed the words that I would continue to be a crown upon my husbands head that the example would be seen for the Glory of God and others would learn of the example of love and honor in a marriage. When I saw the scripture reference, I was in awe… and thought that’s for me and that’s my sweet place of dwelling. We have had almost 24 yrs of a wonderful marriage in Christ even thru the ups and downs, newlyweds we still are! All that you speak is clear… my priorities were off center. After we both finished a 21 day Daniel Fast in January things began to be revealed that I was off center, with our marriage, with hurch, with children and with ministry. I even had to take on a 2nd with only having 1 income in the home at this time. It has been an adjustment period for all. But God still says He wanted me centered again in Him, in my marriage and with our children 19, 17 and 12. I hear you so loud and clear and I hear the still small voice of God speaking to me today. All I can say is Thank you for being honest and real. I have 2 telephone calls to make; First to God and the next to my beloved husband for his love and patience with me over the last several months. Today I return to that Blessed Place of placing my God, my Family and my Home first. Be Blessed Always!
Paula, I cried when I read your comment. The day I wrote this article I was feeling like SUCH a huge failure in my marriage and this just poured out.
Right priorities are so important, and something I struggle with, too.
Hugs!
The revelation that any adjustments that have to be made start with me, not him has blessed our marriage tremendously. God is looking for just one to stand in the gap and build up the wall. I want to be able to say, “Send me Lord, I am willing!”
Oh Karen, you nailed it on the head. Realizing that any and all adjustments needed to start with ME was when my marriage started to turn around.
Thank you, Patty, for your thoughts today. They really hit home – just what I needed to hear! We’ll be married 26 years next month, and I’m still working on this thing called marriage
Hard work, yes, but oh so worth it!
Thank you, Linda. It’s so good to know I’m not alone.
Patty,
I think you crawled into my brain and took the words right out! We will celebrate 16 years in April and I feel exactly the same way!
While each year only gets better and better, I am constantly learning new and unique things about my husband. Just when I think I have it all figured out.. I realize I’m not even close!
Thank you for sharing today! It spoke to my heart!