Many years ago (when I was a younger wife with one small child), a friend of mine (a mother of five, married for many years) shared something she had heard in a recent radio sermon. The comment was this:
If you have rebellious children, chances are you are a rebellious wife.
She talked about some of her life experiences and observations that led her to confirm that statement. At the time, however, I didn’t have the experience to know whether or not it were true.
Over these many years, I have not forgotten that simple comment. I am often reminded of it when my children get into “phases” of what I have to conclude is chronic disobedience. When I see their self-will in the face of my commands, when they stubbornly resist common sense…I think of this statement and wonder if the root of their behavior is in my actions at all. Many times, I can see that I have not been a consistently good model of willing surrender.
When my husband calls the family together for morning or evening devotions and he gets frustrated because the children do not come when they are called, I know that I have not been the best example. I like to get my morning coffee before family devotions, and very often everyone is left waiting for me. In fact, it’s become a family “joke.” (Oh, wait! Mom has to get her coffee….) But it’s not really funny for me to disrespect my husband so blatantly.
When I ask the children to do something and they seem to ignore me (time after time), I become first annoyed, and then angry. Why can’t they just obey? But it’s at those times when I realize that I have been hearing the voice of God…come, spend some time with me…You really should sit down and read some books to the children; they need to have you spend some time with them…Take the time to disciple the children instead of just disciplining…and yet I continue doing what “I” want to do. Maybe I’m blogging, or catching up on the overwhelming laundry pile or trying to put together a good meal and dessert for fellowship. Whatever it is, maybe it’s “good,” but I know that it’s not what God wants me to be focusing on at the moment. Yet I continue in it–and disobey the quiet promptings of the Holy Spirit. So when I see my children doing the same…continuing their coloring or their reading or their play when I’ve asked them more than once to please clean up, please clear the table so we can set it for supper.. that comment echoes down through the years and I acknowledge that somehow, it is true:
If you have rebellious children, chances are you are a rebellious wife.
Granted, I don’t think that this statement is always true. Our children are sinful creatures and have free will to choose between sin and righteousness, to choose obedience or rebellion. But, what I find is always true is that when I notice patterns of rebellious behavior (particularly in several of the children, not just one), I do have to honestly examine myself, both my heart and my outward example. And usually, I do find that there are things that I have to repent of and change. The good news is that once I do this, I begin to see changes not only in myself, but in the children as well.
In our family’s pursuit of God and our desire to glorify Him, it helps when we are all pressing on together toward the common goal; surrender and obedience are necessary elements of the journey for all of us.
“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” (Romans 15:5-6)
Amen! I wholeheartedly agree. Children have a way of being a mirror for us, even when we don’t want them to
Wow, such a thought-provoking post, Cindy! Thanks for giving us all something to think about this morning. It’s uncomfortable to look so closely, to realize that maybe WE are the root of the problem with our children, but still very necessary.
Well, I didn’t want to read this post – based on it’s title. When I finally did, it knocked me over the head like a two-by-four. OUCH!!
This really, really hit home. I’ll be reading it again and pondering it… because obviously it was meant for me to read.
I agree the statement isnt’t always true… but true enough. Thanks for being faithful to share.
~B
Oh, this was a wonderful post. I can “get away” with a lot right now–my son is only 10 months old. But even at this age I can see that when I have a bad attitude or when I neglect him in favor of something I want to do, his behavior definitely reflects it! I’m going to have to remember that quote. Thanks for posting!
~Lauren
Thank you for this article. I would like to repost it on my blog please. This has fit my experience as well.
My goodness. Is it the wife’s fault if a hurricane knocks the house down? Has she not been submissive enough?
Everything is not the wife’s fault, ladies. If you want her to be a good keeper of the home, you have to stop knocking her down.
Maybe rebellious kids are the husband’s fault. He is the spiritual leader, after all.
This is the most absurd thing I ever heard. Sounds like the wife is subserviant and insecure to think it’s her fsult. It takes a village to raise a child. Unless you live in a cave by yourself then the entire enviroment is what influences a child such as school,church, neighbors friends.Some kids just have personalities but blaming the wife and mother only encourages a child to walk over her. And any man that blames the mother and wife sounds like he is a bully and that is what the child will learn. not because mom wants a coffee.
My point is not to blame Moms for all rebellion; it is simply that parental modeling plays a large role in how our children respond and what they are learning. In general, Moms are the primary nurturers and their example is very significant role in child-rearing. So, what are we showing them in how we behave–is it faithfulness to the Lord, or rebellion?
I addressed Moms in this case also, because we women are supposed to encourage one another; I would have no place in teaching Dads about the role that they play in children’s rebellion. That would be totally out of place in a forum such as this, and so of course my presentation of the subject is, by necessity, a bit more narrow. I hoped that that would be understood.
In my example about the coffee, the point is not whether or not I should have coffee. My husband certainly doesn’t begrudge me that, nor does he ask me to wait to do it later. It was personally convicting to me that when he asks the family to sit down for devotions I am the last one to come because I am attending to something that frankly, is selfish and unnecessary (at least at that particular moment). I would rather show respect to my husband. That is a personal conviction that I wished to share as one small example.
Please re-read this portion of my post:
“Granted, I don’t think that this statement is always true. Our children are sinful creatures and have free will to choose between sin and righteousness, to choose obedience or rebellion. But, what I find is always true is that when I notice patterns of rebellious behavior (particularly in several of the children, not just one), I do have to honestly examine myself, both my heart and my outward example. And usually, I do find that there are things that I have to repent of and change. The good news is that once I do this, I begin to see changes not only in myself, but in the children as well.”
I hope that, as Christian wives and moms, we would all simply examine ourselves in this area–not specifically as to how we “obey” our husbands, nor if we are to “blame” for our children’s behaviors, but whether or not we are pleasing the Lord and striving to live by His Word. The outward manifestation of our heart condition is what we see in the home, and that was what I was trying to convey here.
It was such a blessing to stumble across this website and read about your experiance. I am a minister and I have been married for 20 years to a rebellious wife, the pain and confusion is sometimes undescribable. My wife say’s that I’m trying to controll her because I oppose the things she wants to wear and the people she wants to hang around and so it’s a constant battle. One minute she tells me Im the only thing that makes her happy and that she knows that I want the best for her, next thing I know she’s back putting on tight pants, see through shirts, stilettos and gossiping. Years ago I use to just run from it all and would seek attention from other women.But I dont run any more (I FIGHT!) God has given me visions of my wife, good and bad, a vision of blessings and of warning. I have shared the visions with her but she dosent respond. Her response to me not liking her worldly behavior was that I’m causing her to sin because I dont like what she does even though what she do is not pleasing to God. We have a 18 year old son and a 15 year old son, both are rebellious. The 18 year old sits with my wife and watch these God forsaken reality tv shows ( basketball wives, love and hip hop,etc.) and sit on facebook for hours. I’m long winded (lol) so I’ll make this short. After reading about your experiance I can say I truly relate, but Im so thankful that God opened your spiritual eyes and ears. I dont know what the other readers were reading as to why they would take a stance as if your being subserviant or your being too hard on your self, maybe there spirit being is asleep, but the man and the woman both have individual roles to operate in and when combined as one will pour out Gods blessings on the family. Once again it was such a blessing to read Rebellious children rebellious wife. Thank you.
That may be what you are trying to convey. But you are blaming yourself. You did get it right Children have free will. You also got it right that God blessed us with the nurturing. However They arent influenced by just Mom’s actions they are influenced by everything. It’s part of the Free will thing. It you drag your feet on everything I would say ok the children will become procrastinators. That doesnt make them rebellious. Everyone drags their feet on something at one point or another . Are you telling me that your parents did everything perfectly and precisely so you never rebelled?ever? The main reason a child rebels has nothing at all to do with this. The child as they develop in to adults go through stages of reasoning with their mind and body The logical stage. This is where they start to learn reasoning. When they are little and unless they are brainwashed they basically are very complacent but there will always be apart of them in there mind asking Why? Otherwise we’d have no inventers,or scientists, or doctors, etc. ask they reach teenage years the logic really kicks in that is why they tend to argue more. Simply because they really are starting to think for themselves. During all that time We are to nurture and encourage but as a role model we should not blame ourselves. We should not consider it rebellion either God blessed us with the opportunity to be parents.Although I understand your viewpoint I just totally disagree. You taking that extra minute for your coffee isnt what influences them to be rebellious at all. If anything it’s teaching them that special quality about you. Mom always likes her coffee before devotion. It also teaches them that mom is comfortable with God and while devoting shares a cup of coffee. The fact that you do it as a family is what they take from the whole experience I am certain that part is what has an impact on their lives. And I really don’t think it’s selfish or disrepectful. If he knows you well he figures well, I am calling devotion time but my wife will get her coffee and then we will begin. I am sure as a mother you do a million things all day long being a wife and mom. taking 5 extra minutes for the coffee and sitting with God really is your time too. That’s what you do to put yourself in that comfortable stage to be apart of God’s word. I personally think God would rather you be comfortable so you can really receive the blessing of his word. But hey that’s just me.
God bless you Cindy, I just so appreciate what you wrote here and how you are willing to acknowledge even the little areas where we can be quick to obey.
The fact is we like to think we are submissive but really we are just doing what we want to do and husbands learn to just let us do it to keep the peace. Is that really what we want from our husband?
And I say again our example directly affects the children. Let’s be willing to face up to what might be our own fault after all.
Here’s a concept. The husband asks the wife to bring the children together for devotion, while he brings her the cup of coffee. That would be something for the children to learn. Women were created from the rib. Not the heal.
waaaaaaaaaaao, this article should be placed on every church notice board, every Christian women need to read this article in order to be able able to raise God fearing kids
Thoughout our 27 years of marriage my wife has openly argued in front of the children when I have tried to spiritually lead them. She gambles away half of my paycheck every month, smokes, and complains about “all the hypocrites in the church.” Needless to say my two oldest daughters have turned their backs on Christ and are living immoral lives. My third, 15 year old daughter now has no interest in the Bible or attending church (at one time she had a vibrant faith). When I try to talk to the girls about their relationship with Christ they tend to parrot every negative thing they’ve heard from their mother.
If there is a Christian lady reading this message please, please, please support your husband so you both don’t have to experience the heartbreak of seeing your children turn their back on God to chase after the things of this world.
Your broken brother-in-Christ,
Don
Don,
My heart aches for you; I will be praying for restoration in your family. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and encourage your sisters in Christ.
Blessings,
Cindy
I think that your words and thoughts are indeed wize and tender and as a man I consistantly try take inventory of my actions, likes, habbets and attitude towards my wife, neighbors, strangers and family members who may be considered unsabery. I don’t think many parents examine their lives nearly enough and pass down tons of bad habbets that are like acres of weed seed in their childrens lives that will infest their future families lives.