One of the major struggles I’ve seen in women who have a hard time transitioning to the “empty nest” time is the fact that they never really thought their kids would be gone. They didn’t think of their kids as future adults. They didn’t put parenting in terms of raising MEN and WOMEN. It was just “my baby”, “my little girl”, “the kids”, etc.
Now, I know– it’s easy to do, to just think of them as they are… and when they are little, those times of having adult children seem SO far away. But we, as Christian parents, must be more visionary than that.
ASSESSING PROGRESS
We try to be very intentional about assessing where we are in parenting. By that I mean, every so often (at least once a year), we’ll evaluate… “OK, he’s almost 6… so we’re about 1/3rd of the way through parenting Ethan… is he on track for that? His behavior? His integrity? His heart? Are we getting through to him in the best way for his personality? Are we building resentment or bitterness in his heart in any way? How does he deal with anger? Emotions? How does he view God? How does he view marriage and children? Does he have an innate respect and love for the Word of God? Are we raising him up to be a responsible, godly man? Does HE know that that is his purpose in life?” The answers to these questions give us direction for what might need to shift or change in our parenting and training of him.
PUT IT IN PERSPECTIVE
The other thing we do is this: we put our time with him in perspective.
We’ve been through almost 6 years with him… in six MORE years, we’ll be 2/3rds through- and then we only get 6 more beyond that. That may sound like a lot. But think of trimesters in pregnancy– at first, it all seems to go so slowly, but then suddenly, you’re in the middle of the 2nd trimester, and then one day, you realize, “oh goodness– we’re at 36 weeks! We’ve got to set up the crib, pull down the burp cloths, get all the clothes washed and ready… we’re almost out of time!” I don’t want to treat parenting that way… trying to squeeze it all in to the last year or two, realizing that my time with each child is almost up.
BUILD WITH THE END IN MIND
We think futuristically, in a sense. What I mean by that is this: we project current behaviors and attitudes into the future. A lack of respect for mom now will likely translate to a lack of respect for a wife later. A haughty attitude now will often mean job loss and disappointment later in life. A sullen, disinterested countenance now may translate into depression and dissatisfaction with adult life.
We try to think of our sons as future husbands and leaders of their homes (though they are now only 5 & 3)… and we try to encourage our daughter to nourish her feminine and mothering characteristics. With each child, we have to look at what are HIS strengths and HIS weaknesses, and help him deal with those. We look at what are HER strengths and HER weaknesses, and help her grow and shape her character to deal with those things. We will be harming them if we are so short-sighted as to just think that “if I just hang on, that whining will stop in a year or two”… or “she’ll be more helpful once she’s a little older and out of this ‘difficult phase.’ ” We must look BEYOND now, to see what our action or inaction will produce in them for years to come.
Here are some specific questions that help me to think about my children like this:
- What end result are you shooting for, and is that end result biblical? (It helps to write down what you want your son or daughter to look like when they are an adult.)
- What qualities do you need to be working on NOW in order to get to THAT goal? (We have to be intentional about encouraging worthwhile things and discouraging undesirable things.)
- Are there things that you’re doing now that will hurt his/her future? (i.e., Are you so conflict-avoidant that you don’t make her take responsibility for her failures or disobedience?, Do you do all of the chores and are thus teaching your children that homelife is a free ride for them, and setting them up for marital arguments?, Do you speak against your spouse or deride marriage?) We must be careful to not set our children up for future failure as adults. (A great book that talks about this is “Boundaries with Kids” by Cloud & Townsend.)
So, these are some ways that we try to train up our kids, remembering that one day they will in fact “go.”
Jess is a blessed wife and mommy to four kids ages 7 & under, and lord willing a 5th little one in July. Disciple of Jesus Christ. Lifelong learner. Improving homemaker. People & personality watcher. Homeschool teacher. Recovering feminist. She tries to live intentionally, but sometimes really blows it. She doesn’t write because she thinks she’s got it all together, but because she enjoys examining and discussing what it means to live authentically as a Christian woman, wife, and mother. Persevering, pressing on and following after Christ aren’t easy things… which is why Jess relies on Him to finish the work that He’s begun in her. Make sure to stop by her personal blog Making Home.
For Discussion:
What do YOU do to prepare your kids for their future, and to prepare yourself for your kid’s growth into adulthood? How do you keep yourself from thinking of them merely as your kids or babies, but as separate people who will one day leave their father and mother (you) and cleave to a husband or wife?
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As someone who is now an empty nester (son is a freshman in college), I can attest to the accuracy of your words, Jess. It would’ve been a lot easier to let him go, so to speak, had I been thinking in terms of “raising a man” all along. Instead, my thought was always “oh no, my BABY is almost grown up.”
It’s been easier than I thought it would be, but it’s still tough. Some days are worse than others. Nowadays I always tell people to treasure every moment with their little ones because you’ll be astounded at how quickly the years will pass and suddenly, they’re not little anymore. And also, focus on what you’re training them for – and that’s a good life as a productive member of society. Keeping them “your baby” at home in the nest isn’t the goal.
Love this post! I’m an at-home parent to 2 children under age 3 and what you wrote is such a good reminder of how important our work is at this age and beyond. So glad I found your website!
Interesting how God works….Was just thinking about this very thing last night, again. Anyone ever read “Raising a Modern Day Joseph, by Larry Fowler? Great stuff!
Great post! This is something my husband and I will have to do. We want to make sure we’re raising our children intentionally and preparing them for being men and women.
thank you! This was really good! I am going to try and write some thoughts! It encouraged me,Jess!
Thanks for the encouragement. This was the wakeup call my husband and I both needed after the winter we had. We had so many thoughts that I had to do a blog post about it. . . http://ourpeculiarlives.blogspot.com/2010/05/parenting-intentionally.html