What do you think about this man’s situation? And what would you say to his new wife?
I love to eat.
What can I say? I’m a meat and potatoes, average kind of guy. It doesn’t take much to please me. I don’t need a ten-course gourmet meal, and I’m not one to complain about a decent meal. My wife and I have been married for nearly eighteen months, and when we dated, she never said anything about not liking meat. But ever since we got married, all she wants to eat is rice. Sometimes she’ll throw in some vegetables… but we never eat meat; she won’t buy it!
When I asked about it, she said that she doesn’t think we need it, it’s unhealthy, gross to think about, and has made it clear that she thinks we’re on this rice diet together. Forever. I work at a store in the mall, and we usually pack up leftovers for lunch (rice with an occasional side veggie). I’ve been so tempted to chunk it lately and go to the food court, but we promised each other that we’d not eat out. I mean, rice is good. But a little variety would go a LONG way.Not to mention that I work right next to a Cinnabon shop and those SMELLS are driving me crazy. And then I drive past “Restaurant Row” on my way home from work. I don’t want to hurt her, but this is ridiculous. It’s not what I signed up for… I thought we’d be eating good at home, maybe not super amazing meals every day, but at least some tasty stuff occasionally. That’s one reason I made that whole “let’s not eat out” promise.
I’m sick of plain old rice. I don’t have to have steak and dessert every single day, but goodness… rice and veggies is getting old FAST. How can this be fixed? Whenever I’ve tried to say something, she takes it as a complaint about her cooking and gets emotional and then things become even more tense and rigid. HELP!
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As you’re formulating your thoughts about his question, imagine if this had gone on for 10, 20 years. What kind of man would be able to deal with that?
Now, indulge me… go back and read the whole letter in light of marital intimacy. But make the length of time eighteen YEARS instead of eighteen months. It’s OK, I’ll wait for you. Seriously, go back and read it with marital intimacy/desire (instead of food/appetite) in mind.
Did you read it? Are you with me? Here’s the point:
THE LURE OF THE CINNABON STAND
Christian men (particularly in an increasingly sexualized world that co-exists with what is often a “sex-is-worldly” mentality in the church) are like hungry men walking past Cinnabon stands and driving past “Restaurant Row” 24/7. If they come home to a warmed-over bowl of rice, they still *need* to exercise self-control, yes– but they’re much more likely to be drawn in by the sights and smells of the Cinnabon stand. And probably find themselves daydreaming about it in their weaker moments, even if they’re never lured to go in and actually take a bite.
But if they’re getting delicious, mouth-watering “food” at home, regularly, then, yeah, they still have to exercise self-control (I mean, lets face it, those Cinnabons do smell INCREDIBLE)… but they’re more likely to be able to do so, because they’re well-fed and happy with what they’re getting at home.
WHAT’S ON YOUR “MENU”?
If I’m serving up rice every day (or once a week or once a month or worse), I need to understand that there are Cinnabon stands out there, and I need to KNOW how hard it is for my husband to walk past them without buying one. Cause whether we like it or not, he’s having to deal with it. So, maybe I need to learn how to make rice with a little more spice or sauce in the mix, or maybe I need to learn how to make stuff other than rice… to vary my “menu options.” Maybe I’ll even make him some to-die-for-delicious cinnamon rolls of my own. But whatever the case, understanding the lure of the Cinnabon stand, and how tiresome it would be to eat rice once a week every week for years on end, helps me as a wife to love my husband more, and to meet not only his needs, but his desires too.
I say all this to say to you married women out there: consider what’s on your “menu”. Are you unnecessarily limiting your husband’s “diet” because of your own hang-ups? Is he on a starvation diet? Is he getting warmed-over rice in a crusty bowl again and again and again and again and again…?
Sometimes there are legitimate things (like abuse, addictions, and other similar marital issues) that limit our “menu options” for us. And sometimes it’s the men who are serving up warmed over rice to their hungry wives. But I’m not talking to those people right now.
Statistics and experience in hearing from and talking to these women over and over again tell me that the all too common experience in many Christian marriages is similar to the rice example I’ve given above.
And all I’m saying is, it just shouldn’t be that way.
Jess is a blessed wife and mommy to four kids ages 7 & under, and lord willing a 5th little one in July. Disciple of Jesus Christ. Lifelong learner. Improving homemaker. People & personality watcher. Homeschool teacher. Recovering feminist. She tries to live intentionally, but sometimes really blows it. She doesn’t write because she thinks she’s got it all together, but because she enjoys examining and discussing what it means to live authentically as a Christian woman, wife, and mother. Persevering, pressing on and following after Christ aren’t easy things… which is why Jess relies on Him to finish the work that He’s begun in her. Make sure to stop by her personal blog Making Home.
I LOVE this post and this is a revelation I had about a year ago that changed our marriage for the better. We must remember that “intimacy” between husband and wife was ordained by God. If we follow God’s commands on everything else, why do we exclude that? Very creative and inspirational post!
Love your blog too = )
amen to that! i have been happily married for
thirty years and have served up a few meals i
wasn’t exactly comfortable with.
my husband sure liked them, though. and he
never “eats” in any other kitchen.
This is a very interesting post, Jess, from a lot of aspects. What I will say is this: this man’s wife is being unfair. She’s imposing something on him that was NEVER DISCUSSED and is NOT a mutual decision. She’s made a decision, and she’s forcing him to abide by HER decisions. This isn’t the way marriage works. And that’s a fact whether we’re talking about food OR sex. It’s a two-way street, and both partners need to compromise, considering what is best for the other person AND for the marriage.
Great post! Thank you!
Wow, Jess, this was awesome!! Thank you for sharing.
WOW. That is SO well-said. Very thought provoking. All married women should HAVE to read it. I mean it. Thanks for taking the time to write such a wonderful article.
I knew it as soon as I read that title. Uh Oh! That’s not about rice. I told my husband about the comparison and he even asked if it mentions that the man can’t ask for meat or he looks ungrateful for the rice. I am going to have to work up some spicy new recipes. Is that TMI?
Thanks for the post.
Amy,
You are too funny! And I am right there with you!
“I am going to have to work up some spicy new recipes. Is that TMI?”
-Ashley
You should add a tweet this button.
Now that’s what I’m talking about! Great post.
My heart does go out the women who have suffered abuse as I am sure your’s does also. Like you said, this post is for the rest of us. Perfect reminder. I still think, for me, 1 Cor. 13 from the standpoint that love is not self-seeking. When I take my eyes off of me and how I ‘feel’ or not feel and put it on pleasing him, man, does it turn out great. I’m just sayin’
this post gives a whole new meaning to menu planning, doesn’t it?
This man needs to learn to cook! If he falls, it is his responsibility, not his wife’s!
Men are responsible for their own failures. Women are not powerful enough to cause them to fall.