In a perfect world, men would always be gallant and godly leaders, like prophets in their homes, wise spiritual heads, making inspired decisions and piloting the family ship through the rough seas of a fallen world with masterful skill and insight. And we ladies, their adoring fans and help meets, would follow gladly with the utmost respect, trust, and adoration. Sounds great. Then there’s reality.
In reality, men sometimes make decisions that seem frustrating, stupid, or just plain sinful. They don’t always share our convictions. And we don’t always feel very respectful, trusting, or adoring about it. Sometimes, our men will let us go ahead and do what we feel we must, but we feel terribly the lack of unity and wish we were being “led” the way we so deeply believe is right.
Recently someone asked the following:
Do you have any advice for women whose husbands are OK with them being at home but seriously admire and respect women with high powered careers? And “allow” them to be at home for the children but have no respect for what they are doing at all? And I don’t mean that the wife is sitting around being irresponsible all day.
This really isn’t all that uncommon. In fact, I would bet that every wife faces something like this over one issue or another at some point in her marriage. I know there have been times when my convictions didn’t match my husband’s. So when disagreements come, what do we do?
Step 1: Search the Scriptures
If you are going to presume to disagree with the authority God has placed over you, then you’d better make sure that your opinion is truly a Biblical one and not just a deep and heartfelt preference. If it does turn out to be a preference, then we need to submit, die to ourselves, and let Christ live through us. OUCH! I’m not even going to pretend that this isn’t very, very hard. But it is God’s standard, and what a marvelous opportunity to glorify Him and to see His miraculous power in our lives!
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. –Ephesians 5:22-24
But what if, upon serious study and reflection, it still seems perfectly clear to you that following your husbands desires would be sin? Then, we must say with Peter and the other apostles,
We ought to obey God rather than men. –Acts 5:29
But how do we go about that? How do we remain sweet and submissive wives? How do we cope with our husbands’ lack of delight in us?
Step 2: Make sure you really understand your husband.
Talk about your feelings, not because you are trying to convince him that you are right, but because he is your leader, and he can’t lead you if he doesn’t know what’s going on inside you. Humbly, and that’s the operative word–remember “God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble” (James 4:6), explain why you feel you cannot follow him on this issue, then tell him that it is your great desire to be able to follow him, and ask for his help as your spiritual head.
Try to find out where he’s coming from. It is always possible for wives to misunderstand. In the case of the situation the commenter brought up, it is possible the husband really doesn’t have any respect or admiration for his wife, but it’s also possible that she’s not reading his signals the right way. This is where a calm, loving heart to heart is desperately needed; not a debate about the issue, but an attempt to have both husband and wife genuinely understand the other’s feelings and convictions.
If, after gently drawing your husband out, and talking through all that both of you are feeling, you are still in disagreement, then it’s time to look for all the things that you CAN do to please your husband. Are there ways that you could become more like his ideal, even if it does not include overstepping a certain bound? It’s also time to work very hard at loving, honoring, respecting, and admiring your husband despite your differences. Women tend to get bitter in situations like this. I know because I am guilty, guilty, guilty. It is vital that we tell ourselves over and over that this is the man God has given me to love, and follow, and complete, not anyone else, this man, and so it must be possible for me to do it.
Also, be very, very sure that you don’t air your disagreements to all sorts of people. Women love to talk to and connect with other women, to get sympathy, and to vent. When this venting is about people, the Bible calls it, “talebearing,” and has nothing good to say about it.
A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. –Proverbs 11:13
The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. –Proverbs 18:8
Honor your husband in every word you speak about him, and if you feel that you absolutely must get help and counsel, choose a godly, older woman, whom you know to be the model of discretion. Do your husband good and not evil all the days of your life (Proverbs 31: 12), including the days when you disagree.
Step 3: Pray like crazy
Never underestimate the power of prayer!
The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. –James 5:16b
When I was going through a time of testing in this area, I prayed almost daily that the Lord would change the mind of whichever one of us was wrong. Praying that way enabled me to lift up the issue without becoming self-righteous about my “right” position. I also prayed in general for my husband to have wisdom to lead the family and about his walk with the Lord, his work, his fathering, our relationship, everything I could think of. I just prayed, and prayed, and prayed, and prayed. And you know what? The Lord worked it out. It took about four years, but we are now in complete agreement. The Lord did change the mind of the one of us who was wrong. It was a hard road, and some women walk it for a lot longer than four years, but having made it to the end of this one particular journey, I can see how the Lord has blessed us, strengthened our marriage, and is now even allowing us to help others who are facing similar issues.
For further reading, I highly recommend Kelly of Generation Cedar’s post, How Can a Wife Cope With an Unbelieving Husband. The comments are FULL of wise voices of experience that apply not just to this extreme example of conflict, but to lesser cases of disagreement as well.
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