A certain memory came to mind a couple of days ago. It wasn’t a memory filled with joyful moments with my children, but quite the opposite. It was a time when I felt despair over being a momma.
The first year of my second son’s life was miserable for him and all of us who shared his company. He was in pain most days and would cry inconsolably. During this physically and emotionally draining time I wasn’t sure there was any joy to be had. I was exhausted. I was out of options. I was told by the pediatrician after many tests that he was more or less fine, just a fussy baby. Fussy was an understatement. There was definitely something going on with my little boy. His cries were ones of pain, not discontent.
I felt lost and helpless. I was unable to soothe my baby boy.
I felt numb, days and nights full of crying left me unable to cope at times.
I felt anxiety. What was wrong with my son and who was going to help me figure it out. I worried constantly. My mind in a constant whorl, trying to find some way to bring my son relief.
I felt frustration.
I didn’t know how to handle the situation I was in. I was young. Life seemed to be handing me hardship upon hardship. A year earlier I had a major health issue that scared me to the core, now I was faced with trying to figure out what was my best course of action for my hurting baby boy.
Looking back, I now see it was a time of refinement. A time of molding and shaping. But, back then I couldn’t see it. I was barely keeping it all together.
Looking back I can see it was God’s way of pulling me closer to Him. His way of showing me that I wasn’t in control. God’s way of bending my unyielding body until my knees hit the floor, tears drenched my face, and my heart searched the heavens. Through the trials and hardships the Lord broke me and then slowly piece by piece put me back together again.
The result of my brokenness was a heart that was yearning and ready for the Lord to have each and every aspect of my being completely in His control. Until I was broken, sinking and desperately searching I wasn’t ready to reach out and grasp God’s loving, protective hand. I was picking my way through the brambles, getting scratched, lost, tripped up and at times wounded deeply. Finally, my hardened heart had had enough. I meekly crawled into my Father’s loving arms and gave Him what I didn’t want any more…control.
The refining process has taken years. It has been over eleven years since God first began to loosen my grip of control. And the process isn’t over yet. It is a continual work as I seek to know the Lord more. There are days, even weeks at a time when I forge ahead without first looking to God. But, soon the anxiety and uncertainty creep back in and I quickly head back into the safety of my Saviors arms, for He is my rock and salvation.
Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and thirsty land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.
Psalm 63:1-4
Jenn @ A Country Girl’s Ramblings
It's so wonderful (and almost bittersweet) to look back on our times of hardship and be able to recognize God's Hands, teaching us, guiding us, holding us even when we didn't know it. Thank you for the reminder of the beautiful truth.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I felt like I was reading about me! I suffered depression and anxiety after the birth of my first two babies. Like you, when I felt like I was completely undone, I sought the Lord. I love how you spoke of your heart searching the heavens. I am so glad that God cared so much about you and me that He used difficult times to draw us near and teach us to keep our eyes on Him. Sometimes my gaze is broken… and then the anxiety, stress and worries begin to flood in, and I realize that I need to run back into His arms! Thank you for sharing your story of God's faithfulness. It was a beautiful reminder of His love, grace & mercy!
The older I get the more I understand the Israelites and their foolish see-sawing back and forth between obedience and disobedience to God. I understand because I foolishly do the exact same thing. When things are fine and rosy I drift off ever so gradually into independence and self indulgence. Then when hardship comes, back I run into His arms. Will I ever learn not to leave in the first place? sigh…
This winter has been a time of refining and purifying for me. This is funny, I was just writing on this right before I came over here. I can see that it is an answer to pray. I prayed God would draw me closer, give me a soft, intentional loving heart, be the wife and momma my family deserves. All of these things require my heart to be broke so that it will remain soft, compassionate, and free from the calloused apathy that tends to fill hearts not actively seeking God.
Thank you for sharing.
Why is it that we (I) so much strive for control? Did not God make me strong and independent? Yes, but not for autonomy or even rebellion. God made me strong and independent so that, with His Spirit, I would be strong and courageous to stand up for Jesus.
Thanks for sharing Jenn. I remember a similar time in my past and currently, I just needed to be reminded.
But I'm bothered by one thing…what about your baby boy?
God bless you,
Carol
I really needed to read this today. Thank you,Jenn for sharing your heart. I pray I too can learn to let go more and not have to be in control.
Amen for the Words from heaven
God’s timing is amazing, isn’t it? I was rereading posts I had missed the first go around….and was so touched by this….I love your heart.