women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says. If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church. (1 Corinthians 14:34-35)
I’m not going to pretend that this isn’t a loaded passage. I’ve heard various “interpretations” of these verses, and I certainly know what I believe about it. However, I don’t want to talk about the specifics of how women should behave during worship; I want to focus on one small part of this teaching:
If they want to inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home…
I think many of us, as women, have gotten out of the habit of “asking our husbands at home” about things that go on in the church, and even about spiritual matters that we are reading about and studying on our own. And personally, I think it goes beyond “asking” when we have a specific question, but should also include asking for our husband’s opinion–even when we already have our own minds made up. The practice of asking our husbands should pervade every aspect of our lives, but it is especially important in spiritual matters. Why?
First, asking our husbands helps guard us against deception. The apostle Paul was pretty clear about this when he said, “Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner” (1 Timothy 2:14). We can’t be so naive as to think that we don’t have an enemy, or that he doesn’t continue to use the same tactics that were so effective on our forefather Adam and his wife. We will wonder, did God really say? But before we take a bite of that forbidden fruit, let’s ask our own husbands. Not (first) the pastor, not an older woman in the church…but our own husbands.
Also, asking our husbands shows them our submission to their authority. In First Corinthians 11, Paul talks about the relationship between man and woman and he says, “the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man,” and that “the woman ought to have a sign of authority on her head.” Whatever you believe about the practice of head covering discussed in this passage of Scripture, it is clear that one of the underlying reasons for the practice is that women ought to show respect for their husbands’ authority. Asking your husband at home for answers to a specific question, or just for your husband’s point of view, certainly promotes this goal.
I know that many women will be thinking, Well, that’s all fine and good–but my husband is not a believer, so this can’t really apply to me. Unfortunately, this situation is pretty common. But does it mean that a woman should not ask her husband? I would say, no.
Even if your husband is not a believer, you still need to show him honor and submit to him. Coming to him with your questions allows him to share his point of view and helps you to know what he wants you to do, if there are decisions to be made. And going to him first certainly shows him that you respect his opinion above others–even if you are not in spiritual agreement. If he is not a believer, maybe his response will be, “I don’t know; ask your pastor.” Or, “Do what you want.” In which case, you are free to do just that; but in the mean time, you’ve done what Scripture advises and asked your own husband first.
What are your experiences with the application of these Scriptures?
Very good advice! I have only been married going on six years now, but I have learned the hard way how not involving and asking my husband can be to my marriage. Men have a driving desire to want to be treated like a man. It makes them feel like a man, of course, and as godly wives, it is our responsibility to make sure that they never feel inferior, especially to us! One way, an important one, is to let him have the last say on any given subject, and respectfully discuss it with no manipulation tactics added in. Too many books, marriage guides, and the like explain how to get your husband to agree to something, like how to make him think it is his idea, etc, but that is worse, IMO, than simply not asking him because it is deception! As women of God, following scripture is our only way, and submitting to our husbands is a must.
I know that discussing things with him has cleared up a lot of things for me. The headcovering, for example (not to start a debate, just as an example), I found the Sripture studying on my own, and was convicted about it, but he didn’t think it was applicable, and neither did I at the time, so we brushed it aside. Then, later, I studied it again, came under the same conviction, and brought it up to him again then we studied it together this time instead of just talking about it. He also came under conviction that it would be proper for me to cover as Scripture indicates (as I am sure that he didn’t want me to dishonor him, and I didn’t either!) so we prayed and made that commitment. It is submission, plain and simple. The covering is merely the outward showing of it.
Involving our husbands in decisions and submitting to his authority on the subjects is not only edifying for all involved, but it pleases God that we would obey His commandment to submit, and it strengthens the marriage bond and leads to a greater depth of love that we could not imagine aside from having experienced it first hand. Nothing better to make your man feel like a man than to be the biblical woman and let him be the man.
As newlyweds, I was still learning just what my husband expected. It took some time, some talking and much prayer, but I now know what he expects. I always knew he had authority over me, and I liked not having to know it all or make decisions I just wasn’t sure how to actually do it in day-to-day life. In this, I think every marriage will look differently. My husband doesn’t want to have to be involved in all of the details of the daily running of the household and homeschool. After learning what his wishes were and goals for the children, he trusts me to carry out these things. Now that he knows that I know when to seek his counsel and when to make the decision myself, our daily lives run much more smoothly. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to learn this.
What a great post!! God has been teaching me so much about this during this year. In a feminist society, asking our husbands about issues in our life is such a foreign concept for so many women. One area specifically that I will share that I ask my husband about is modesty in dress, for me and for my three small girls. As women we can be so naïve to what men find “appealing” in the way we dress. We have been so desensitized as to what is appropriate. We judge our dress by the standards the world has set, not God’s standards. Our husbands are men, and whether they are believers or not, they will tell us what is appropriate so as not attract attention of other men. And if you are not married, ask your father or another male in your life!
I started out reading…then began skimming…then felt like I was whacked on the head when I saw, “Well, that’s all fine and good–but my husband is not a believer, so this can’t really apply to me” because that is exactly what I thought as I was reading!
I do believe in submission and think it is important but I have to admit that at times I am a bit lax because I do get the “do what you want” response so much that I have started doing just that. I need to remember to go to him first anyway!
Such an excellent article! We have been married for 40 years and I still ask questions of my dear husband and share openly my thoughts with him. I can say, a husband appreciates being treated the way the scriptures tell women to do and respond in such loving ways. Women in our church often comment on how sweetly my husband treats me. When we follow what is expected of us, in God’s Word, our husbands’ hearts feel safe in us and take the lead as head of the home.
Scripture also tells us, many times, to care for orphans.
How many of you have done that? Cared for a child who lacks parents.
You pick and choose the Bible verses that are important. Blind adherence to the Submission phrases in the Bible. Ignore completely the part about orphans, because it’s too much trouble.
The Bible may say to submit to my husband. That’s enough. Stop there. It doesn’t say to ask his opinion about everything. Stop expanding this commandment any further than it goes. Start looking for orphans to help.
In my family asking my husband actually causes problems. My husband thinks he is a believer, but does not believe the Bible to be the inspired word of God, but written by man, thus not entirely accurate. I am learning where I can include him without causing strife and stress, less trivial matters where I know his view will not be un-biblical. But I think there is a middle ground in there.
I still see myself as submissive, and I pray that someday I am able to go to him with all of my questions, that day is just not now. Thank you for this article.
And to address one of the other comments, Scripture also says that everything we say should be said gently and to benefit others. I found your response rather harsh, I’m not trying to be mean, I just wanted to point out that you quite possibly could have hurt a fellow sister in Christ with your words.
Heather,
Thanks for sharing your experience with the application of these Scriptures. We all have such varied backgrounds that it’s hard to address all scenarios in one blog post. I’m thankful for a place like “At the Well” where we can mutually encourage one another in faithfulness to the Lord and His Word.
Blessings,
Cindy