Single OR Married: Intimacy = Not a Sliding Scale, But a Step
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Leave a Comment
We are honored to welcome back Jess from Making Home today At the Well.
Dr. Michael Lawrence, a Pastor at Capitol Hill along with Mark Dever and others, put out what I think is an EXCELLENT series on Christian sexuality, dating, and marriage, with one topic directed at men, one topic for women, and Q & A sessions for both groups.
Jerod has grouped them all here in one nice & neat blog post for ease of accessibility. Each selection takes roughly one hour, and they are all highly relevant and quite engaging. Please take time to listen to any and all of them that fit your needs or interest.
I want to share one particular clip that gives a taste of the unique wisdom you'll find in the series, and also invite you to share your thoughts about this quote in the comments. After explaining that the act of sex is a part of marriage, he asks:
What about everything else, though? What about everything that falls short of
actual sexual intercourse/penetration?
Well, I think typically, we as evangelicals have bought into a very secular idea that views other acts of sexual intimacy on a sliding scale. And we all in our own minds, in our own conscience, try to draw a line somewhere. And we say, "Okay, on this side of the line, that's far enough away from sex that it's okay, and on that side of the line, okay, that's beginning to feel enough like sex that it must not be OK, or it might lead in the wrong direction."
I want to suggest to you that when God created sex, He knew what He was doing. And He created sex and sexual intimacy and all the things that are associated with sexual intimacy, in such a way that they work really well. The married men in the room know what I'm talking about.
What I want to say to you single men is that most of the things, well, probably all the things that you put on this side of the line that are "safe," and you think in your dating/courtship relationship, "I can do this because it's not sex," married men do with their wives and they call it foreplay. And the reason they call it foreplay is because God designed it in such a way that it leads to sexual intercourse.
It's like a one-way street. There are a lot of things that you pass on this one way street called "sexual intimacy," and there are a lot of things you can do on that one way street short of actual intercourse. But God made that street to run in one direction. It's heading somewhere, guys, and you know it's heading somewhere. That's why you like it; that's why it feels good. Because God designed those things to lead you to enjoy an experience of that full intimacy in the context
of marriage.
So I want to suggest that at even the pragmatic level, if you don't intend to go where that street's leading you, then don't get on it. ...Sexual intimacy is designed to escalate and proceed to a goal that God designed. Foreplay works; it gets you to sex. If you buy the biblical teaching that sex is designed for marriage only, then don't start playing with the things that lead you there.
I wish I had heard such straightforward, commonsense advice when I was a teen & college student. I certainly fell into the trap of thinking of sexual intimacy as divided into two categories: actual sex, and "things other than sex." This kind of transparency about God's design for & God's delight in marital intimacy is so crucial in this day and age when sexual intimacy is treated as just another valid option on the smorsgasborg of enjoyable choices for a date night as a single. Putt-putt? Make out so he'll ask me out again? See the latest movie? Wear something revealing since it's our third date?
Clearly, the current system and view of sexuality (even in Christian circles) isn't producing successful and faithful marriages. Or even, as it often promises, more "free" and happy people. In fact, when we follow the cultural systems presented to us, it leads to bondage, depression, and brokenness. I think this kind of biblical picture of intimacy needs to be painted loudly and often to this oversexualized-in-all-the-wrong-ways world.
So tell me your thoughts. Dating. Intimacy. What's expected. Why you think this advice is right/wrong. How we can communicate these things to our children and offer this kind of biblical view of intimacy as God's gift to married couples.
Let's talk about it!
Jess is a blessed wife and mommy to four kids ages 6 & under. Disciple of Jesus Christ. Lifelong learner. Improving homemaker. People & personality watcher. Homeschool teacher. Recovering feminist. She tries to live intentionally, but sometimes really blows it. She doesn't write because she thinks she's got it all together, but because she enjoys examining and discussing what it means to live authentically as a Christian woman, wife, and mother. Persevering, pressing on and following after Christ aren't easy things... which is why Jess relies on Him to finish the work that He's begun in her. Make sure to stop by her personal blog Making Home.
Oh wow - excellent post! I hadn't really thought of it this way. Those dating days are far behind me - but before I know it - my kids will be entering those years! We need to pray now for the purity of our sons and daughters! This culture is heavily saturated by images that teach our children the opposite of what you just shared! Our battle is not with flesh and blood but against the spiritual forces of evil! (Eph. 6:12)
Courtney
Yes. Well said.
Commitment starts long before marriage. Commitment and prayer for the spouse God will provide should start long before the courtship years.
Commitment to the "6 inch rule" will go a LONG way in reducing temptation. Commitment that the first kiss will be at the altar. And OBVIOUSLY, commitment that marriage is not disposable, but is for life.
Someone has said that commitment is more important than love. Commitment will get you through the tough times. Commitment reminds us that although our feelings change daily, our will (our choices) should be steadfast.
Thank you for this post.
These are beautiful words. Thanks for taking the time to write them down.
I sure wish I had heard that when I was dating and engaged. I think it would have made a huge difference in how things turned out with my relationship with my husband. Thanks for sharing this.
Jess!! I'm so glad to "see" you here! EXCELLENT post! I feel exactly the same as you...I wish someone had explained it to me this way when I was a young adult. I fell into the two categories trap too. I hope to equip my own children better.